Happiness and Frustration

How can one be so filled with so many different types of emotions?

Great things did happen recently. One big one would be the day I turned twenty-two. I'm happy for that occasion. I'm glad that so many accompanied me. With birthday song, presents, birthday cake,nice food, gigantic card, how could a birthday be any better? ;))

But at the moment, I'm feeling frustrated, Or maybe a little like a black little lamb wondering amist a big group of white big sheeps.

I think I've failed my own expectations. Not doing enough, not doing well.

I don't understand unit operations again. SIGH. Which make me miss the good old days. And further make me depressed.
I tried completing the other works but they didn't give me the satisfaction I wanted.
I want to do more but I lack the drive that I need.

No one's problem this is apart from my own. Yet I feel like reaching out, for someone to lift out theirs and pull me out of the hole I'm sinking into.

I probably miss more than I expected to. I probably felt more than I wanted to. Which gave me the perfect reason to distant away to avoid all the suffering that might follow up. And I thought I was coping well. Okay, better than 3 years ago definitely. But why show up when I least expect it? And make me think even more? As if my brain is not working hard enough?

This is not the moment to care about such thing.

Well, what title to do for final year project?
Graphene oh graphene.

I sure hope my mood lift up more after this. When I was  a little girl, people used to say that I'm one cheerful girl.
I wonder, did i forgot how to smile in the years I grew up? xP

Just a dream

It's rare that I remember my dream. After I woke up, I meant.

Surprisingly you came into my dream. And reminiscing bout it, I could figure out what happened. But it was scary if it really turned out that way.

I hope it is just a dream.

For something called... sense of security.

As we walk through this journey called life, sometimes we look at the big things, the materialistic things and we tend to forget or put aside the small things that we thought could be replaced. We thought could be put aside. We thought if we have the bigger things in life, the small things could be substituted.

After awhile, if we sit down and think. Put aside the works. Put aside the worries. Put aside everything else.

I crave for many things in life just for something called sense of security.
Why do I care so much when you put me out of your life?
Why do you care so much what I wanted to say but refused to spill the beans even till now?
Why did u think so much when I said I heard of things?

I think it boils down to the same reason.
You and I both lacked the sense of security.
You and I just want to find something to depend on for this sense of security.

For all the reasons that I can understand, we just have to forgive each other for all the mistakes. For the fault lies in our need for a sense of security. :))

Sometimes... Just sometimes.

We begin to think more and in different perspectives as we age. We begin to learn to put a mask to hide the emotions contained in us. We begin to build a wall so as to avoid the hurt that might occur.

Sometimes, one will wonder, where did all the innocent times went?
When making friends were as simple as ABC.
When we can just be honest in everything we do.
When we can just say that we are happy or not.
When we do not need to think so much even in a simple act.

How did they vanish? When did they vanish?

And made everything seem complicated.

When did someone no longer contact you becomes something that bothers you. Let me get it right. I'm still surviving, i can enjoy myself, i eat and sleep well, but I still think of it.
Did I do anything wrong?
Did I accidentally step on your tail?
I appreciate the friendship and the joy that came with it but what happened to it?
I can just simply say, I don't know and I don't care.
But deep inside. I care. I still do.
Perhaps I've been to used to having you around.
All I ask is to have our friendship back, is it too much?

Maybe it is just a reminder to me that promises are not to be taken into the heart. I can still hear the promise. But as much as I hope it will materialize, things are looking bleak and gloomy. Like how the sky looks like when it is going to rain.

People see me as a tough girl. My roomie said so to me too. I'm not. I wish I am. I wish that there are many many things that I can change. To make others happier, especially my family.
But I'm not God, therefore I cannot play God.

Sometimes I feel like saying it out. But now I feel like I'm so used to keeping things in me, I don't really know how to let them out. I want to trust people, but somehow the ones that I chose to trust seemed to be the wrong one. They just puff into thin air when I need them, most desperately.

I'm not being pessimistic here. I still believe in rainbow after a rain. I still believe in miracles. I believe in God having a plan for me.
But God gave me this brain, and I've probably mis-using it by over-thinking on unnecessary stuff.

This is just pure babbling, from a soul that feels empty tonight.

Sidenote, don't use the status quo as a reason. I hate that. And I miss the encouragement. Darn you for doing so much in the first place.

What's up these day? The celling! xP

I haven't been updating these days.
My excuse: I'm busy.
The truth: I'm procrastinating. Again. Period.

Anyway, it has been a week since the mid-term break ended. This week was kinda relax, with a few lecturers off to somewhere. Hence the necessity to cancel class. :)

But I dread the time that the words, "we'll need to replace class on xxx." releases itself from my dear lecturers' mouth. Lol. Ah, I shall survive them somehow. :)

And all the lecturers were so efficient, mid-terms marks were released too.

Order of marks of the subjects in the way I like. :)
1. Industrial environment & pollution
2. Unit Operation
3. QA & QC
4. Inorganic chemistry process
5. Separation Technique

Separation Technique is purely epic fail subject. I barely passed. But I won't sulk on it. I just have to deal with it. :)

Jason's birthday was on the 17th, but we gave him a celebration on the 16th. I made a handmade card. The fourth card that I made this year.
This is how it looks.

Okay, I stole a picture that Jason uploaded on facebook. xP
Anyways, Happy 22nd Birthday, Jason!

On the same day, we played on the beach. Did many things that may seem non-sensical to others. But we were purely having fun. :)))))

And I got my second birthday present on that day too. A pillow. I chose myself. :) Thanks guys,you know who you are. Hehe...
I'm going out again today. For my roommate's birthday celebration. And my own too. ;)))
Happy Birthday, Chee! May you get all that you wish! :))

sidenote: My eye is swollen again. :(((

It's all part of a test.

As I'm typing this, I've got few things running through my brain.

Why certain things just don't stay on my brain?
Why must it get harder, not the other way round?
What if i turn out as a disappointment, though I promised not too?

I'm not the only one with problems. And hence I shall not whine nor inflict in self pity.

But sometimes I'm tired too. I start to feel the burden placed upon me. Invisible yet it hurts.

I want to talk to you. Maybe coz you're the only one who knows what's going it. It's going worse, not getting any better. I miss you.

Dizzy spells

Dear Dizzy Spells,

Would you mind to leave me alone. You've bugged me whole late, causing me to loss my sleep. And now you're still here. Please, please go away. I don't like you at all.

Yours truly,
Someone sick of you.

Growing up & Changes ;)

Pouted on my seat, in this corner of my hostel room. Once again, the author types. You know how one says we understand ourselves better as we grow up? Or how about the saying that change is inevitable?

The author never really understood them before. Not at all. Maybe a little.

But this break seemed to have did it on the author. A snap, a twig, a push. The author doesn't know either. But whatever it is did it. Like how the sky clears after the storms, the author now sees herself more clearly. No longer covered by the clouds that blinded her view before.

The author is a nocturnal who prefers doing all the thinking at 2 am in the morning. The author thinks that reading is cooler than watching movie. She is sarcastic. She loves being noisy. She loves cats and all other furry creatures. She comes from across the sea. The author is a banana (on the path of turning yellow). The author loves being an independent young lady.

So what if people says that the author is abnormal? So what is people mind her being abnormal? So what if the author is different that others?

Well, one thing for sure, the author is still human. With hairs, hands, brain, legs, eyes etc...
She speaks, walks, runs.

The author no longer care what others think of her. For she trust herself. :)

"There's no need to care about what others say. For those who care don't mind and those who mind, don't matter"

Perhaps it's the break that gave the author all the thinking time. Perhaps it's "Eat, Love,Pray" that gave her the heads on. :)))

Dear God, thank you for giving me all the strength to go through everything. For I trust in your plan and that you will lead me to greater heights. Thanks you for keep my family, friends and everyone around me safe. I just wanna thank you. :)

Of Mid Terms and Holiday.

Last week was a hell of a week. Never been so busy, stressed and worried for a week. Many will say marks aren't everything in this world. But in a student's world, marks are everything. We all work so hard, worry so much and sacrifice our playtime, meal time, sleep time for the numbers that represent our score. Having said that I guess one can imagine why last week was called a hell of a week.  6 mid-terms in 4 days. I'm impressed that we all lived through.

An escapade from uni after that week. Headed off to Bukit Tinggi and Malacca with a stop at Kuala Lumpur. I dunno how to describe my trip. More like I'm lazy to write at this moment. Lol. But like every other trip it was an eye opening one. In the sense of friendship, in terms of humans' behaviour, in words of people. Nevertheless, good food is awesome! :))) Baba and Nyonya delicacies, satay celup, dim sum, fishball and noodles, sang-k, movie, the walks around Malacca, the breathtaking view and fresh air at Bukit Tinggi, I'd say they are all very good for de-stressing. :)

Oh, guess one interesting thing I found in Malacca. Sarawak Kolo Mee. LOL.
Totally ciplak lah.
Sigh.

And I miss home. I try not too. I try to be strong. Or so people think that I'm strong. I wanna talk but there's no one to talk too. Sometimes you start to realise that there are things that you try but you just fail. Sad. I miss my pillow at home. I wanna hug daddy.

Okay, I guess I should stop dreaming. There are other things to be done.

I should let go. I'm glad you're ignoring me. Perhaps it is for the best to me. I will have to learn being independent, right? And not run to you everytime i have a prob.
But that's so much for reminding people not to forget when you start forgetting first. That's the only part that suck.

Sidenote: Raph, where are you?

I'm free as a birdie!!!!

A fews days ago marked the begining of a suffering, tiring week. A week totally swamped with tests. 6 mid-terms actually. To make things worse, 2 of them were only informed like 3 days before the actual day?

The reaction we all displayed were similar to a person who just suffered heart attack. However, I'm glad my coursemates and I all have strong hearts. So all of us are still here. Lol.But in the days that followed, everyone had this, "I'M TIRED" words written on their face.

I was one too. Okay, I'm tired anyways.

Today marks the end of the extraordinary tiring week. But it is also the toughest day. I had three mid terms today. One in the morning, one in the afternoon and one at night. But I'm glad all of them went not so bad either.

Plus, I got my results back for the mid term paper that I sat on Monday night. My lecturer is super efficient eh? I'm happy with my marks but I think I should be a little more hardworking. Haha.

I should STOP procrastinating. LOL.

I still have another half sem to learn that. Hopefully I learn fast. xP

Anyway, I'm off to Malacca till Monday. Ah, finally an escapade from uni. :)))))

Sidenote: I dunno what problem are you facing. All I can do is support you and cheer on you. :) In the meantime I shall not disturb you, I think.

First mid term paper, A Noob & Mid sem break

I had my first mid term paper yesterday. It wasn't that bad, all thanks to our good and kind-hearted lecturer who decided not to kill us with her paper. :)

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Nevertheless, I discovered that certain people are absolutely so into giving trouble for others.
So what if you pay your fees in US Dollars?
SO what if you've got tonnes of gazillions of Iphones?
Please get only yourself in trouble and not pull the rest of us into hot soup.
 
No more questions from the notes for quiz? You know what that sounds like? It sounds like doomsday for that subject.

Seriously, use those money you have and go get yourself a brain.

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Oh, I've got so many heart attacks yesterday. I'm still alive so that means my heart is exteremely strong, right right? Lol. Neways, from 4 tests this week, I now have 6 tests in 4 days? Cool eh? First time in my uni life, I've got such packed test schedule. 

But looking for the rainbow after the rain, it's HOLIDAY this friday onwards. REAL holiday. Haha.

Time to hit the notes again. Ciao! :)